The ice cream man dealt drugs when I was

The ice cream man dealt drugs when I was a kid. A bigger neighborhood kid told me so.

The big kids also told me that kidnappers lay in wait in the junior picture book section of the library. My childhood was fraught with imagined peril. Which prepared me for later

for life. My main concerns are germs and bears. Minor concerns include potholes, undercooked spare ribs, mayonnaise, paper cuts, wasps, dogs licking my ears, over long skirts and

tripping in them because once I crossed a road gnawing an undercooked spare rib slathered in mayo & didn't see a pothole. I fell, a wasp stung me, a dog licked my ear and a bear

slightly mauled me. I must have lay there on the side of the road for a while, unconscious.When I came to, the spare rib was still in my hand & Porky Pig stood above me, glaring.

When Porky Pig glares it makes you feel kind of gross. There's sort of a creep thing to pig anger.

Solution? Make Porky Pig sausages. He'll have a harder time glaring at you when he's reduced to several juicy rashers of bacon. The only thing that makes it better is

- you guessed it - more bacon! Guaranteed to improve any situation. Pile it high, slather that with some maple syrup, and gulp down several mugs of Porky's Piggy Pilsner.

Well, more bacon is guaranteed to improve any situation unless you're a pig. If you're a little pink beast with a curly tail, the only good bacon is the bacon that IS your belly.

Unless you're a cannibal pig, in which case most bacon is good bacon. But basically, what i'm really trying to say is, the more bacon the merrier, most of the time. Good night."