She screamed into the wind, "I have always

She screamed into the wind, "I have always loved you, Mike, and I always will! Why have you been taken from me?" as if in reply, a sparrow sang out a sorrowful note of pity.

The sparrow got only one note out when a barbed arrow pierced its cheek and it fell to the floor. She gasped as a blonde man with pointy ears and a green doublet bowed & picked up

the bloody bird. Marian stepped back as he approached. "I have a restraining order," she screamed, "and I'll put your ass in jail." Robin raised his bow

the wampum that he'd traded his best pony for. Then Chief Seattle touched his static-charge finger against the Governor's ear while he dozed in the noon day sun, and

within seconds his brain was nothing but boiling pudding. "Thought you could cudgel those penguins and get away with it, did you?" shouted the Chief. But shouting was a bad choice-

Czar Penguini was listening in on the other room - penguins have a strict law that you certainly COULD cudgel other penguins and get away with it. This was unfortunate for Chief,

who was wearing his Sidney Crosby jersey. A creche of penguins, armed with 5-irons and various cudgeling paraphernalia, surrounded him. Luckily, Chief had brought his trusty

pneumatic tomahawk, with boomerang and bull-roarer functions. Its only failing was its odour, a cross between a mudshark's dentures and Lewinsky's panties, which

would repulse even the smelliest of men. Even so, the product still sold in the millions, and analysts now estimate that by 2015, one in every five homes will have one.