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Ritz bits are amazing. I especially love

  • Ritz bits are amazing. I especially love the peanut butter flavored ones.

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  • If I open my mouth really really wide I can fit 10 Ritz bits in my mouth. Although this one time, whilst stuffing too many in my mouth, I had a terrible accident. What happened was

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  • that I had one hand on the steering wheel and the other shoving biscuits into my mouth when I began to reach my limit- both hands were needed to break my Ritz Record. Unfortunately

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  • that's right when my alarm went off. I've gotta stop eating mexican right before bed. No wonder my body was craving crackers. This was the stupidest

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  • dream I've ever had. What did it mean? As I stumbled towards the kitchen in search of crackers, I instead found myself in a lush meadow. The warm sun on my skin was intoxicating,

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  • and I'm pretty sure that the drinks waitress was flirting with me. Ah, life is so good on Fiji, isn't it?

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  • Until the monsoon hit and took out everyone in the bar, including the flirty waitress. Fiji, what a fickle bitch you are. Now I had to fight for a life raft against 78 Fijians in

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  • The Agean Sea. A hole in my Socrates developed and I had a serving of Plato while there. Athena came to my aid and helped me defeat the 78 Fijiians. Life was good, at least for now

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  • I wouldn't be haunted by the notion that a horizon full of black sails meant my son was dead. Feeling magnanimous, I helped the surviving Fijiians return to their own Ithacas which

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  • welcomed me as a hero. But the accolades could not lift me from the doubts about my only child. Had I done enough to ensure his safety? Can any parent truly know?

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