"No really, Clancy, pick the sword. It's

"No really, Clancy, pick the sword. It's right there by your left foot. Be careful. It's alive. It knows where we're going next. No you can't ask it for wishes."

"Awww," Clancy whined. "Are you sure? What's the point of a magic sword that doesn't grant wishes?" He bent to lift the heavy blade and jumped as an ethereal voice spoke to him.

"Halt! Only a virgin may wield me." "Does looking at dirty pictures count?" asked Clancy worriedly. The magic sword bowed deep:"I am thine to command." "Yay! Your first assignment

is to get laid. That means having intercourse -. Hey I might be a virgin, Clancy growled, but I know what getting laid means you stupid sword! Where do you suggest I find a partner

taken aback. Clancy grabbed my wrist, my waist, and my attention. He pulled me on to the dance floor. The band hit a savage beat. My soul was lost to the Tango.

Later, in the tub, Clancy broached the subject of using butter. I can't say I was surprised but I felt it was too early to be considering the Butter Option after only one tango. I

personally felt that "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter" would be more appropriate, anyway, since I could not fathom that I would ever be in that position again. But Clancy insisted

We lube up the hadron collider and penetrate a black hole loaded with full fat butter. It was worth a go. It was as close as we could get to fucking the universe itself.

The whole plan backfired, however. After we penetrated the black hole and climaxed, we wanted a cigarette and a nap. The black hole had other ideas, wanting to be held and cuddled.