It's not even a question of 'if', but really

It's not even a question of 'if', but really 'how often' do you see something that you know is there and then you look again and it's gone, or changed. That's

been my experience with every single woman I've ever dated. One day she's hot & wants to have sex twice a day. Then I blink & she's fat, bossy & ugly. This phenomenon is known as

Newton's Law of Cooling. Anyway I decided to give up on being a randy yet grumpy old goat & concentrate on higher things. I embraced celibacy with the fervour I used to reserve for

written jeremiads to my alleged "representatives". I even employed a friar's cloak. This lasted all of three days, at which point I was hornier than ever, and in a vicious mood.

So I got the Colt 45, a backpack full of condoms, three Viagara jello shots, a pistol, a battery of pepper spray, a Seahawk's jersey (not sell out SB champs, but from the Dave Crai

Pleased until she saw her 43rd son off away from the rest of the seagulls. "Jonathan Livingston Seagull", his mother squacked, "you stop being moody and get your tail over here."

But Jonathan had tired of rejection from his seagull family and had decided not to be an omnivore any more, which broke his mother's heart. In fact, he had become avian-cannibal.

She'd first suspected something was wrong when he repeatedly pecked at tourists chicken legs instead of scampi and cod, but had assumed he was just an idiot at the time.

But he was no idiot. All that pecking was just a front before he could announce the top position he had secured in the “Trump 2020” campaign. Wait...did I just say he was no idiot?