Elvin stared at the handcuff that connected

Elvin stared at the handcuff that connected him to his valise. "Why must I be a man with a suitcase?"

he begged. The last man with a suitcase chained to his hand that he'd seen had encountered the business end of a hack saw and lost. Elvin wasn't going out like that. His machete

was double sided and laced with blowfish poison. It ejected from the wrist holster. He cut arc's in the Toaist symbol. Blood exploded in jets. He swung the briefcase and caught

YAY SNOWGLOBES MAKE ME HAPPY!!!

Snow globes are very snow "globey" like. They contain very many fun pieces of artwork inside them. Which is why it's fun to break them on the floor.

I broke every goddamn one of them into a googolplex of pieces which lost any remnant characteristics -- even nano-characteristics of their former selves. Only then was I sated,

but not before dunking my laptop in a large tub of ice cubes. It never worked, of course, but I was a sucker for online advice. Always was and

never any different. After all, if it's online, it must be true. The internet wouldn't lie to me. So when Jenny McCarthy demanded that I not vaccinate my child, I listened.

Instead, I had my child's hippocampus replaced with a 2T hard-drive, anti-virus & spam filter. NO signs of autism! Sadly though, without a campus, the hippos now live in my foyer.