As the hands tightened around my throat,

As the hands tightened around my throat, I pondered how I'd gotten myself into such a mess. It all began with the tea party, of course. And I'd used my best china too. I guess

to feel stupid. Like, if I'm inviting a guy dubbed "The Party Strangler" for tea, are teabags with XXXXL length strings really the bomb? Now my carotid artery was paying the price.

"More Oolong?" I picked up the chintz teapot and flung it behind me. The boiling hot tea sprayed into his face releasing the chokehold on me. "One lump or two?" I said as I karated

the shit out of him.I showed no mercy.Beaten and shamed he lay before me."I actually prefer coffee to.." I cracked his skull before he could finish his blasphemy.Tea had prevailed.

Carefully I gathered the broken tea leaves, leaving behind those tainted by blood. Carefully avoiding the growing pool of red, I rose to the sound of water coming to a boil

. It rose to approximately around my knees. Banging on the door and tossing my head around, I screamed for help and mercy.

Someone please get these treacherous leg warmers off of me!

They're plaid. I never wear plaid during months that end in "r!" These leg warmers have got to go!

"And *that*, honey, is how I got these scratches and bruises all over my legs! From ripping off the leg warmers so fast! See? Honey?" But he was already gone...