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And thus, with a single word uttered from perfect infinite nullity, the Universe (Alpha) was born. This is the universe we inhabit; although we consider it "real", it is but a pre-

tzel loop, waiting to be shoved into a hot oven to bake. Then it shall be liberally salted and slathered in warm butter. Mm. Butter. Our half-baked, soft pretzel world is turning

Round and round, on an elliptical orbit. The cheese inside is melted and ready to eat. Millennials were enjoying the ride, whereas their parents weren't really into soft pretzels.

But the Millennial coup d'etat was so effective that Cheese Pretzel stores were present on every block.

The influence of cheese bred a slow intolerance for the stuff, eventually making the country of USA lactose intolerant. This was absolutely unacceptable; after all, where would

the USA be without cheeseburgers? Hamburgers were invented in Hamburg and cheese was probably invented when some Italian cow had a lactose leak and it fermented, but otherwise...

we could only claim frito pies and chop suey and frito pies weren't exactly "ours". This came as a surprise to onlooker Rutherford Smedgens, a scrivener at the Charterhouse.

Rutherford made a smug snort and a couple snotty notations in his review log and slapped it shut just for emphasis. His fellow diners tittered with self-righteous glee. "Oh my!" an

elderly woman in the corner exclaimed & summoned the waiter. "I believe I need to change my order to...to what HE's having!" The room exploded in laughter. Rutherford slow clapped.