The night was November 27th, also known as

The night was November 27th, also known as "Black Friday". Justin and I were on our way to the mall to do our annual people watching.

We were kickedd out the mall 23 seconds after.

Go Man GOOOO! Where was my damn car? The shock wave threw me over as Annie's Pretzels exploded. I hit my key fob and heard my Kia 3 rows down. Hurry. RUNNN! Sears crumbled.

A fat lady carrying bags from Lane Bryant blocked my path to the parking lot. "What happened to the pretzel place?" she asked right before another explosion blew her past Macy's. I

ran to the obese shopper and helped her to her immense feet. Undisturbed by the explosion and her burns, she took me by the shoulders and began rattling me. "I NEED A PRETZEL, AND

BRATWURST AND BIER". It was too late, she had become infected with an all-consuming desire for terrible German cuisine. At least she was burning off some body fat (literally).

She pounded the brats. Joey Chestnut gaped in jealousy, for he had never seen a woman eat so...so sexily. He dropped to a knee and whispered his proposal from across the

kitchen. She stuttered, "I...I hope you don't think I'm piggy. I just ham what I ham, and I happen to be an avid sausage lover." "That's what I like about you," Joey gushed.

Well one thing's for sure, babies are not normally thought of as being sensual, so his "wonder" was replaced by relief when he realized the baby was in a fact a full grown woman.