The elevator hit on me this morning. No

The elevator hit on me this morning. No kidding - right as I got in and started to press the button for the 32nd floor, it whispered in its soothing, Muzak voice, "I want to bear

down on your nether-regions with the force of a giant vat of sausage gravy. Just pouring, drrrrriping, oooooozing. Mmmmmm." There was no one in the elevator with me. I grabbed hold

of the pork lard and blood sausage and took a a big bite, sucking in the juicy boiling fat. It was risky to eat it in the telli studio's elevator. If anyone knew Jamie Oliver ate

nothing but meat, they'd have to first know yet one more alpha male television personality telling people how to do things. Jamie had a problem. He needed meat in every orifice.

Jamie solved this problem with a jacuzzi that he filled with steak tar tar instead of water. Every part of his body was coated in raw meat. This was a solution to his major heart b

ypass surgery. Just open the patient up, pour the tar in, and watch the magic unfold! Not recommended for patients still living or patients suffering from a desire to keep living.

Due to the underfunding of health care, highway construction crews were assigned to triage surgery. The miracles that you could with rebar and asphalt. Chances of survival, however

, are rocky at best. Still, construction workers in the ER were paving the way to new medicine while patients could barely curb their enthusiasm for now affordable healthcare.

The Revolution was complete! The people had risen to brake the system of capitalism and the state and now they had finally done it. They had created utopia!

But then came what they least expected. Obama came up from under the rubble and revealed his true identity. Aquaman. He summoned a whale and some sharks, and saved the day!