There were only three people in the world

There were only three people in the world that can make pecan pie to die for: my mother (god rest her soul,) me, and a Russian hit man. There can only be one.

The rogue Spetsnaz agent had taken out mum for her recipe last November. He thought he was the only one left who could make a pecan pie to die for. But I knew. I'd tracked him to

the Durham-Ellis Pecan Co. pecan processing plant in Comanche,TX . He was an industrial spy for the Missouri pecan mafia & was leaning in to get a shot of the kinetic nut cracker

suite, which was Durham-Ellis's Pecan Co. improvement on the Christmas smash. It was promotional. But he was so moved by the story that he wanted out of the pecan maffia, he wanted

to join the fondant mafia instead because they were peaceful and tasted like glue. "I'm outta here," he told the don of the pecan mafia, who narrowed his eyes and said, "

You're nuts if you think you're getting outta this alive! I'm a-gonna cashew in right now!" And with that, the Pecan Don of the mafia raised his shell & fired away. The fondants

"Tell the candied fruit to back off!!" The cheesecloth was soaked and war torn. "Get that oven to precisely 350, that'll slow them down." Pecan Don didn't notice the slow rise

of Sourdough Johnny who flung out his sticky arms & embraced Pecan Don in a smothering hug. Though he struggled mightily, Pecan Don could not extricate himself & slowly sunk into t

non-newtonian fluid that Sourdough Johnny had made by mixing loads of corn starch with loads of water. Sourdough Johnny laughed maniacally, as he could breath in cornstarch water.