They keep making the TV's sexier, smarter

They keep making the TV's sexier, smarter and prettier. Well, I've fallen deeply, madly in love with my Flatscreen. I know how to turn it on, it shows me things that I

covet with its raunchy pixels. I watch them sell TVs on QVC, just to make Vizio jealous. Once, she retaliated by switching her channel to a P90X infomercial. I'll admit I'm a bit

in love with my intellivision, but is that so unusual? We work together, we travelog together, we get off together. She knows all my intimate secrets. But one day Vizio betrayed me

and changed the settings to the intellivision.I must now kill Vizio as he killed my soulmate!She was all I had,my everythig!I will make him pay with his blood for his sin!

So I poured tang directly into my Vizio. That worked, but it had a side effect I hadn't planned for. For which I hadn't planned, that is.

That was the light headed feeling I suddenly had, right in front of customers. I sat down and came to. How the hell did I end up at whole foods? My wife came running, and I knew

I had jumped tracks again. I had never married, not even to Joe, who didn't seem to recognize me as he stood in line with a bunch of artisanal broccoli. But I would treat this lady

like the sister I never had. We'd go out for coffee and eat late-night popcorn by the TV, ignoring the show to talk about our deepest feelings. And we would weep together, this

the Bogus Easter Bunny as well; we spent many a blistering cold night in front of the fire drinking Fireball Tea and telling lies. Then we took turns giving each other a haircut.