106

I figured I'd take this guidance counselor

  • I figured I'd take this guidance counselor meeting seriously for once. I wanted a job that maximized money/effort. I didn't care about fame, integrity, or "happiness". I want money
  • without effort, though my math-y friend told me that dividing by zero would tear some kind of hole in something. He didn't tell me this hole would suck up my money. 0 divided by 0
  • .0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000, was still zero. Now I would tear something in him.
  • Unfortunately, the doctor explained to us that that was precisely how it had spread between us.
  • "And," he added morosely, "there is no known cure. You only have three days to live." The doctor then stood up & left us abruptly. "Well, I guess we better hurry then," I joked.
  • I sold everything and went on a three-day binge of hedonist delights. My doctor then called, "Forgot to add a zero at the end. You'll live for 30 years. Sorry, sending your bill."
  • I'd given everything I owned to the Sisters of Glory. I called. "No can do, mate," a sister snapped, "terms and conditions apply." Get in line with the rest of the destitute. I
  • got in line and after 4 hours I finally noticed that as everybody entered they took a number from a little contraption near the door. I had not done so and started to worry that I
  • would end up a social outcast, accused of breaking rules like a common rebel or at the very least looked down on as someone who couldn't handle their shit. Number! You undid me in
  • your mind alone, with your mental contraptions, without even really seeing me. Where I am, you cannot come, but where you are, you can be. Please give it a try.
Started
2013-01-31 14:07:57
Finished
2016-07-26 21:29:30

8 Comments

  1. Avatar

    49erFaithful Jul 28 2016 @ 08:26

    Zeroes matter!
  2. Avatar

    PurpleProf Jul 28 2016 @ 13:31

    Ahhahahahahaha!!!! Awesome, Chaz!!
  3. Avatar

    lucielucie Jul 28 2016 @ 13:56

    Spooky circle of life story O_o
  4. Avatar

    BlastedHeath Jul 28 2016 @ 22:00

    "We Can Be Zeroes"
  5. Avatar

    DollyParrot Jul 28 2016 @ 23:20

    Haha, dammit, BlastedHealth, that actually made me laugh out loud in a room by myself. At least there were no witnesses to kill...
  6. Avatar

    gravir Aug 07 2016 @ 07:10

    whereas you are all sane and saintly, I am afflicted with a plethora of blessings masquerading as sin. I have lost what might some day pass for my mind, and I now sit in a room, having undone the important buckles of my smoking jacket so that my mandibles might be free to move here and there among the marked levers of my soul, picking a word at random, and typing it slowly, so that the groaning and screeching soothes my comfort. if I have made an error, I will withdraw as slowly as humanly possible, in order that you may intuit my defiance of your refusal to accommodate or assist me in any way. I eat your depravity and adversity, in order that my dwindling existence may continue to haunt me.
  7. Avatar

    Woab Aug 15 2016 @ 13:45

    Can I have some?
  8. Avatar

    49erFaithful Aug 18 2016 @ 09:49

    Yeah, don't be a depravity hog. Degenerates unite!

Want to leave a comment?

Sign up!