My first mistake was probably getting "If

My first mistake was probably getting "If lost, please return to..." and my address engraved on to my house keys. My second was

dropping them at the Drunken Monkey, the shadiest dive bar in town. I had headed out to celebrate my promotion with a few friends from work, but we had a few too many and

silly little jelly beans that jumped and sang. I wasn't proud of myself, but hell, I was drunk, and flash looked like an easy way out of the pain. Melissa left me, and it made me

horny. I called a phone sex line and told a girl to rub butter on my calves. "Not that Land O' Lakes shit!" I barked. "This is long distance! I want my money's worth!" However,

I had forgotten that I was in the land of lakes, in fact I was drowning in a lake of my own faeces. 'Goddamn, y'all know I can't come without my banjo!' I screamed to Charlene, who

had her "skull candy" ear buds in. She couldn't hear me at all. Reading her lips I saw that she was singing, "Move Bitch get out the way." The feces was at my chin, undigested bits

of bacon spewing mightily onto her face. I showed her the error of her ways 'cause she couldn't get out of mine fast enough if she had to ravel up her damn ear buds by hand. Bitch.

I started by pulling her nails out one by one. Then I carefully picked the bacon off her face and fried with her eggs. The best breakfast I'd had in years. Then I decided I'd had

this dream too often to be ignored,so I left my wife, resigned as president of the Vegan Majority & took a job flipping burgers at Shake Shack. Burger therapy brought the cure.