Behold!

Behold!

My discovery! Take any element of the periodic table and add the suffix "-poisoning" and you'll probably find someone who has died from it. For this discovery, I'll undoubtedly

win the Ig Nobel prize. I rushed to the computer to nominate myself for the prize. Only to find, to my dismay, that the computer

The awards ceremony was not so lavish,nor dress code as formal as the Nobels,but the Golden Dildo made a fine figure next to the Golden Turd on my mantle,a real conversation piece!

But after noticing that every single one of my awards were shaped after embarrassing objects, I decided to move on to something less

suited to innuendo and gutter mindedness. My therapist would be so happy, I was ignoring phallic symbols and other things. My GutterMind Syndrome was getting better, I thought. Pen

s and pencils, however, still caused me to spontaneously shout "Cock" and "Prick" at the sight of them followed by deep, uncontrollable bouts of laughter. I hadn't been cured comp

Letely of the sinus infection, so my cough must have scared them. Pope Pius XI was out taking a walk when the legless pigeon found him. He blessed it and me too, simultaneously.

I was pissed by this 2-for-1 business & was about to tell the Pope where to go but he smiled upon us so beatifically that I built a little wheelchair for the pigeon, who flew away.