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"WHY?" he said, " I CAN'T BARE THE RANDOMNESS!" "What? A bear? Where?" little Tobby asked, "Yeah! Where's this bear?" little Timmy added. "THERE IS NO BEAR, GAH! GDAFGSDFG."

I slammed my hands on the table. "Look Timmy and Tobby, I meant 'bear' as in: carry, bring, or transport, not as a habirnating ursid..." Just then I was attacked by a large paw.

a grizzly maul me. So I said, "emergency room," but nothing happened. "Paramedic." Nothing. "Anti-bear?" A small hairless thing pounced on me, biting and slashing away my wounds.

I shaved for 2 hours straight after the encouter, well passed the point where my face was ready to do battle with sundried hubcaps. The wheel spoke: "A spoke on a wheel, I spoke."

I spoke: "A wheel on a spoke" spoke I. Then my mother came into the bathroom and saw my ruined face. "Oh, dear boy!" she said. And then I turned to face her and gave her a speech.

"Mother, I've decided to become a pirate. I have always dreamed of becoming a pirate and to prove myself I have scarred my youthful face. I am leaving tonight." I waited for my

mother's reaction but when she smiled I was taken aback. "You have no idea how long I have been waiting for you to say that," she said with tears in her eyes. She hugged me and

fed me and called me George, even though that's not my name. I felt sorry for her, sitting there all confused, but backed away and ran for the door before she hit me with a bottle.