Hello! HELLO! welcome to our SHOW! Don't

  • Hello! HELLO! welcome to our SHOW! Don't be scarred or unPREpared! It's time we shared David Lynch's FUN HOUSE!

  • Come one come all and don't be shy, come down to the funnest fun house in the world its David Lynch funhouse. Ugh what? I said in confusion.

  • BANG! My lights went out. I woke up what felt like days later in a hospital bed. A multi-lighted machine next to me gave off an innocuous *beep* then shut down. I couldn't see any

  • doctors, in fact, the place looked as if it had been abandoned, with empty wards gathering dust and the only sign of life being the occasional mouldy sandwich. I drew the curtains

  • and collapsed unceremoniously onto the couch. The girl from last night - the one I had run into in the market and bribed with a plate of bacon to follow me back to the hotel - was

  • a goddamned hermaphrodite. Great. It's like I was stuck in that goddamned song by the Kinks, "Lola". Oh well, I'd read on an imageboard that it wasn't gay unless balls touched, so

  • just to prove I wasn't gay, I touched my balls to hers and ergo est quod erat demonstrandum. I wasn't gay and the hermaaprodite agreed with me several times over the weekend. When

  • the game was over, we put our balls away and exchanged false phone numbers. That was the last I saw of my hermaphrodite lover, until seven years later, in Paris. S/he was at a cafe

  • drinking a latte and breastfeeding a baby. I strolled over and said s/he looked great. S/he knew me as an ex-lover; then s/he explained how s/he by mistake impregnated him/herself.

  • Her/his baby turned and spat some scalding double latte at me. "How dare you address my parent!" it snarled. "And by the way, my preferred pronouns are Xul, Xur, and Xum."



  1. Jimbeau Nov 09 2019 @ 09:18

    Somewhere...David Lynch is smiling...

  2. LordVacuity Nov 10 2019 @ 12:37

    I bet he is smiling on his face.

  3. SlimWhitman Nov 11 2019 @ 03:39

    lynchy (alt. lynchian) adj. 1. The property of existence which is surreal and akin to a David Lynch movie.

  4. Woab Nov 11 2019 @ 12:17

    Lynchy is ginchy.

  5. LordVacuity Nov 11 2019 @ 12:22

    Pinche Lynch.

  6. Chaz Nov 26 2019 @ 09:21

    So long! GOOD-BYE! We all had a good CRY! But don't be BLEAK! Turn on next WEEK! to David Lynch's FUUUN HOOOOUSSE!!

  7. PurpleProf Nov 26 2019 @ 20:22

    A brilliant opening, Chaz. You practically guaranteed a story that would make perfect David Lynch sense!

  8. LordVacuity Nov 26 2019 @ 23:55

    There is no Dayna, there is just Xur! Or did I get that wrong again? Should I have said Sigourney? Norman baits bears in a brisk Barrow half night.

  9. LordVacuity Nov 27 2019 @ 00:02

    I don't care. I said what I said. I did what a did. A squid costs a quid. A kid napping was a napping kid, who wasn't eating the for a quid squid. A PID is a PID, Unless it wasn't a PID but a PID that didn't even belong on the schematic let alone on the board. Etched in and mislabeled a PID. Which the production people thought was a PID. Again, it wasn't. But they assumed it was a PID because, hello, it was labelled a PID. A Beatrice is a Kidd.

  10. LordVacuity Nov 27 2019 @ 00:15

    Getting some grub in my maw is where I am now, you all.

  11. LordVacuity Nov 27 2019 @ 00:15

    Again, I'm just saying.

  12. LordVacuity Nov 27 2019 @ 00:22

    for the record: I never watched Even Stevens or Steven, Even Had A Chance With Her. But it turns out the girl from one of those shows reminded me that I never used to be just saying stuff for no reason. I thought I would give it a try. It sank into the lagoon. I tried again. It sank in a blue lagoon, twice. I tried again. I'm not a quitter. Look at it laddie. If I had been a quitter do you think I'd have everything you see before us? Senor Don Quixote looked down as his son's rheumy blind eyes and felt the lie die on his lips.

  13. LordVacuity Nov 27 2019 @ 00:26

    I can't be the first to have imagined a disillusioned Quixote. I'd definitely ride a mule behind that.

  14. LordVacuity Nov 27 2019 @ 00:29

    I think I just realized that I've forgotten my bit of Cervantes. Or what I thought I knew of his work. A work that inspired Paul Menard to emulate him without ever reading the original. He didn't want his letter by letter matching original creation to be tainted by his, Cervantes', version.

  15. LordVacuity Nov 27 2019 @ 00:37

    The original original. Cervantes' original. Unless Menard pulled off a Hedley Lamarr to 17the century living conditions on the Iberian peninsula. In the shadow of a spreading of a more devout form of Spanish Catholicism. Could Menard have done that? Of course not. Only Hedley Lamarr can pull off a Hedley Lamarr.

  16. LordVacuity Nov 27 2019 @ 00:42

    Hedy Lamar, on the other had though. I'd like to Hedly her Lamar if her Lamar was inclined to be Hedied. But that is another of those pesky 1001 stories that I have to give you each night.

  17. LordVacuity Nov 27 2019 @ 00:49

    To be clear: I would never assume Hedy's or any other person's inclination towards their Lamar. I would want there to be a clear understanding that I was given consent as I, in turn, was giving to them. Any variations to that model would be arrived at by mutual deliberation. If a SAFE WORD was to be required it would not be the SAFE WORD from Eurotrip.

  18. BlastedHeath Dec 01 2019 @ 00:10

    Dear LordVacuity, I hope you don't mind if I read your posts back to front, as I used to do back in the day of magazines (of the paper variety).

  19. LordVacuity Dec 01 2019 @ 01:21

    You do you, boo. It is all cool.

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