My name is Euphimia Handy, and this is my

My name is Euphimia Handy, and this is my life story.... shall I start at the beginning then?... Well it all began in a little town called Ugaulbert in a little known country of...

Whipsnaria which is near the arctic circle. We believe in nothing and just chill. We really could care less about money, weapons or oil. We do a lot of crafts and eat seal blubber

until it bursts out of our nostrils. Then we play games and see who can throw it the farthest. Whoever scores the lowest is left outside in the cold, and as punishment he has to

pee his name in the snow with perfect accuracy. Any mistakes and he is forced to drink another gallon of water while being held down. It was a horrible game, but it built

character, not to mention all of the handwriting practice. The good news was that all of the water was giving his kidneys the flush of a lifetime and allowing his skin to survive

just a few hours more. Of course it would all break down eventually. Necrosis was only stopped by bites from the pale or sparkly, but none of them liked snarky authors much.

How many constipated authors had they managed to send on a snark hunt? That's what they called a writing assignment whose point was keep them occupied sisyphusian projects like

a catalog of Chaucer's puns or an examination of irony in Gulliver's Travels. The government felt it was better to employ English majors rather than shoot them, but in the long run

it didn't matter since English majors tend to self destruct in a fiery ball of self-conflagration. Unfortunately, spontaneous combustion amongst lawyers wasn't so common so

that explained societies current problem with an excess Lawyers. A think tank decide the best cousre of action was to crossbreed Lawyers to English majors evening out the Gene pool