I wonder what my grandmother would say. The

I wonder what my grandmother would say. The entire house is destroyed. She never believed in bad things happening.

..and boy would she be ticked about this mess. Grandma always insisted we keep a clean house. As soon as I thought this, my spry granny showed up with a Dustbuster in one hand,

a chainsaw in the other. "GRANDMA?" I tried to dissuade her from 1 of her infamous cleaning frenzies, but this time she was incorrigible. Ty Pennington made renovation TV-magic but

a plumber for a clogged toilet. Grandma instead used a live baby shark she made drink a whole bottle of draino and she unleashed it in the toilet and flushed. I think it was still

in the bowl when Grandpa entered to dump a deuce, 'cause he came out assless. Grandpa was proud of his new look, and offered assendectomies for 5$. Sadly, the shark OD'd on Draino,

and Grandpa no longer had access to ass reduction procedures. In a last burst of desperation, Grandpa bought some sea urchins in order to perform a procedure

called "exercise" whereby an individual instructs their body to exert energy, resulting in a caloric deficit and ultimately a smaller ass. Grandpa used the sea urchins as

a distraction from his lunch and indeed the sea urchins so freaked him out that he lost 70 pounds in a fortnight. Too bad he had only been 90 pounds to begin with. Grandma took the

attitude of one who's been through such trials many times before and did the only thing she knew how: bake soft molasses cookies, sit down with a nice cuppa, & a handful of Valium.