My mother was a prostitute. I was born off

My mother was a prostitute. I was born off the highway somewhere. My mother was just finishing up zipping up her John when she went into labor. This is how my story begins.

The first thing I remember is a coat hanger jabbing at my eye, somehow spurring me into consciousness. Her labor was premature & I had to consciously exist in her womb for the next

seven months at least! I was still small enough to hide and I ducked behind her ovary just in time to evade the coat hanger. Well, I know when I'm not wanted. So I planted myself i

in a flowerpot and waited for the sun to come out. A vicious snail tried to climb into my flowerpot but I managed to evade it by

releasing the salt pods. It was a lonely night inside the flower pot. Twice, a hungry moth swooped around my head. I had to bury myself in the soil to avoid the thing.

The moth thought I was his girlfriend. Then she flew by and they went off somewhere together. My mum found me in the flower pot, then took me out of it. I missed a tornado.

I really wanted to be a storm chaser, but my mother was against it. "An 11-inch tall girl can't go chasing tornadoes" she always told me. Secretly, though, whenever the weather got

rough I would race to my secret cave and clamber my 11-inch tall self into a giant storm-chasing robot named Jill that I had made from cast-off silverware. Mom never knew

my secret life as a storm-chasing midget Gundam."Hi ho Silverware!" I cried as I jumped on the forklift which propelled me into the command chamber. Knives extended & I flew toward

so much firepower that it was going to look like an arsenal threw up on the reactor's core. I might be midget, but God damned, I am Gundam, I am THAT CORE! Lunch afterwards, OK?