"Well," I said, getting comfortable on the

"Well," I said, getting comfortable on the couch, "my problems seem to stem from the fact that I'm sexually attracted to garden gnomes." "I see," said Dr. Klumpf, scrolling

through messages on his iPhone. "Yes, that's been going around. And how would you describe your relationship with your mother?" I heard a bleep bloop from Dr. Klumpf's phone. "Are

there vultures eating the carcass of a dead hobo at your house, too?" I shouted, "WHAT!?!?" Dr. Klumpf said, "Nevermind that, this is serious. I need your mother's credit history

read aloud to me -- LOUDLY -- by a scantily clad Claudia Cardinale." "Circa 1963?" I asked. "No," Klumpf replied. "At her current age." I shrugged. "It's your dime." Claudia was

Always dressed like that proverbial Marchioness of Thor who seduces evrryone at first sight. Even Martians loved to watch her in the kitchen, mixing elixirs.

It threatened to be the downfall of the Martians:they were seduced by mixed elixirs of the mistresses of Thor. They'd wake up with a hangover like Thor had hammered on their skulls

The hammered Martian skulls, however, had learned from Thor's beating and grew stronger and smarter for the next time. They always insisted on a next time. Thor knew that as well.

Thor also knew that the colossal hangovers that the martians would suffer from getting hammered would keep them from retaliating right away. This gave him time to rig a trap for

the Martians. Thor rigged a box-and-stick trap, the kind Elmer Fudd set to try and capture Bugs Bunny. The trap sucked, and the Martians didn’t like the bait either, which was