The local wildlife keeps finding its way

The local wildlife keeps finding its way into my house, no matter how well I try to secure it. Just this morning, I awoke to a buck sniffing at my laptop, and a raccoon sifting thr

ough my emails, and a squirrel answering my phone. "It's for you," the squirrel said, handing the phone to me. At least, I thought, the squirrel was making itself useful, but how

long would my peanut butter stash last, and how many paper towels was I wasting wiping the squirrel's greasy pawprints from my phone? "I'm sorry, Mr. Sniffles, but I'm going to

give you to an animal shelter. I can't live like this." Mr. Sniffles stared at me in shock, but a second later he knew what to do. The squirrel leaped at me before i could react,

gorging it's acorn filled belly on my eyeballs, the tree-climbing rodent exclaimed "Who's useless now eh? You're going to need me with out those two peepers, chump!". Falling down

he ran to the other tree and greeted his other friends. "you want some nuts?" one of them answered back, "no thanks, I'm full at this moment." the rodent smiled.

Father Cheese had blessed the communion of rats while the squirrels watched from above. "It's a shame," remarked one squirrel to another, "they won't live past 5..." "5 years? No,

5 minutes." The squirrels watched in amazement as Father Cheese dunked the rats by their tails in the communion fondue. Each one by one. The other squirrels looked at me like I was

and there’d be no more bird feeders to raid. “Rocky the Flying Squirrel” would not be a cartoon but a record of an extinct species. We laced our nuts with cyanide and took a bite.