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New movies are really bad. Ronald Reagan

  • New movies are really bad. Ronald Reagan and Charles Manson walk across a field together. Bom-bom. Bom-bom. Two men. Bom-bom. Bom-bom. One story. Bom-bom. Bom- bom. They

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  • share a smile as their eyes meet before silently embracing one another. The camera focuses on Charles's face, his eyes closed. He is clearly enjoying this special moment. Then

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  • we pull back sharply and see that they are breathlessly holding on for dear life on the alps. We pan then to the triplanes, straffing the snow. Sweep upward to the avalanche.

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  • And that's when Ron Howard was double-slapped by Joel Coen. "You fool, this is a comedy!" Ron was earnestly hurt. Joel chewed some cashews to think. Ron rubbed his

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  • butt from where he had sat on a tack. "Owwie, it hurty," he whined. Because he was a rich douche, he commissioned the local law enforcement to find out who had set the tack. Det.

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  • Manatee was on vacation so the case was assigned to Jr. Det. Abalone, who was half man half abalone. "Someone deliberately stuck a tack in my butt!" whined the complainant.

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  • Jr. Det. Abalone was all sea ears. The complainant, a certain Mr. Yamazuki spied the glint of an enormous black pearl nestled below the P.I.'s succulent foot muscle and

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  • unsheathed his sword. "Don't let Abalone tempt you," said henchman Ed Kowalczyk. Jr. Det. Abalone thieved the sword with his seaweed lasso and slew Yamazuki. Otter Creek turned red

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  • as the color bled from Yamazuki's cheap cotton unitard. Det. Abalone flipped over & pointed the sword at Ed Kowalczyk, Jr. "You alopeciac <censored>! Because of you I lost the only

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  • signed poster of the full cast of the Brady Bunch!" It was a sad day 4 me. I always loved Alice, I sighed, and a tear fell from my eye. Oh well, time to stalk the guys from ALF.

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