I sat down confident. Opened to the first

I sat down confident. Opened to the first page. #1) If a 1,200 lb. gorilla swings forward on a 9' long vine into a jungle filled with weightless ants how many sesame seeds remain?

"Is it: A) The same as stars in the sky? B) Are we talking fire ants? C) Trick! Gorillas don't 'swing' D) HELP! I am writing this SAT answer against my will!" I used my #2 pencil

to gouge my own eyes out. The spatterings of eye-juice fell on the ScanTron in neat little circles, filling in the rest of the test entirely (albeit improbably) correctly. "What a

I was so happy that I did aback flip. No one knew that I could do a flip, and cheered me on. In that moment, I decided to do the most daring thing I could possibly do

which was to turn the crowd against me with backhanded compliments: "The ratio of your taste in backflips to your intelligence level is higher than most." My words bounced off the

-atrically arranged performers. They were artisans of "no sound." They were mimes. I was a talker. I was the incarnation of

cello playing mango-sweet melodies to bring on birdsong and bespell the song-saturated sky. Since alliteration was also on the company's hit list,

they confiscated fold number 8. But the company underestimated the subversive elements writing the story. Resorting to the double edged irony metaphorical blade of wit and sarcasm

as best I could, I placed my hand under my other armpit & made a "fart" sound. It was all I could do on such short context, & I didn't wait around to see if it'd stick. Here goes!