I'm a professional extremist. I'm hired by

I'm a professional extremist. I'm hired by the opposition to give bombastic, stupid exaggerations of the sensible party online to make the opposition's idiocy pale by comparison.

Mudslinging is the name of the game, and I'm the best there is in this business.

I'm talking about real mudslinging. Like bringing up his nasty habit of licking all the pens in the office supply cabinet and putting them back! Hidden cameras around his house

revealed a number of disgusting bathroom habits as well (don't ask what he does with the used toilet paper). Sitting there, typing furiously on my old Remington, I decided to

See if I had the kind of typewriter that brought the events written to life. I weaved a eloquent litany of horrific events about to unfold in his general direction

and saw him tremble in fear and run away as I literally dictated his existance by my penmanship. Even added to him an abnormally big nose and a bad case of body odor stink just

to add more Jobian features to his plight. He only existed because of my pen & he will do as I write or he will die. I will smite him with my eraser & rub him clean of his life.

His only escape was to crumple himself into the piece of paper on which he was created, and then to throw himself out the window of my 12th story apartment. Agape, I watched as he

floated from the 12th to the 10th floor; then swiftly fell to the 9, 6, 4…1st floor in a blink of an eye, which he opened in time to see a fiery chargrill pit he was about to hit.