"What will my patient need today?" asked

"What will my patient need today?" asked the nurse. "I'll have a quadruple bypass burger, a butter fat shake and an order of flatliner fries. Oh and bring a pack of unfiltered

Reds, wouldja sweetheart?" I looooove me some HeartAttack Café. Been coming here every week for years. Wally too. Wally? Oh no! I looked down on the floor and Wally

's chest was heaving. His eyes were closed. The waitress rushed over with her pocket defibrillator & bent down to tend to Wally. "Happens all the time," she said calmly. "No prob."

were someone weak persons worry, old Wally thought as he dipped his bacon into melted lard fondue. He chewed steak fat wrapped in fried pork skins. He felt good.

Then he felt nothing. "C'mon, Wally, don't stroke out now," he said to himself. Even Wally's inner voice spoke with a mouthful of pork skins. His shirt was a grease-stain palette.

Wally, in a lard-induced near coma, looked down at his shirt. The stains formed the face of Carol Channing. Was it a sign? "Keep those ribs comin' and get me 'Hello Dolly!'"

Wally would be watching televised musicals and chomping down on ribs 'til the cows came home if it weren't for his home health aide, Norma, who finally stepped in and said, "Get

up! It's time for the Hokey Pokey!" Norma had introduced a daily Hokey Pokey break into Wally's routine when she noticed his level of inactivity. To Norma's delight, Wally actually

gurgled a little, showing the first signs of life in a week, but it was really just his brains leaking. Norma pouted. This wasn't a very good birthday party for her son, was it?