"Daddy, I'm doing it!" cried Jane as she

"Daddy, I'm doing it!" cried Jane as she took her first wobbly laps on her new bicycle. "Hey, daddy!" she yelled. No answer. "Daddy!" she called once more. And once more, no reply.

Daddy had more important things to do than watch his daughter learn to ride a bike. In fact, he was so busy eyeing the other kids moms, he was unaware of the incoming traffic

copter falling from the sky directly above him. "Daddy, look out!" said his daughter. But daddy was too busy admiring women's baby bumps, so she sprung into action. She pedaled to

the women that her father was admiring and said my daddy thinks ur cute but hes married and by the way theres a helicopter about to crash and hes so busy lookin so...

anyway even though there is a love triangle brewing between my dad and your hotness and all that we should make haste you know? because of that helicopter crashi- KABOOOM!!!

The pitch hung in the air like a manager's fart, low, with a smell that wasn't stinky so much as slowing time to a crawl. He wanted his new organic cereal "Helicopter Crashi" to

sweep across Beijing, take Moscow by surprise and settle in Germany for the long haul. Organics were sure to please the palettes of the nations. Now to get back to building his

doppleganger. Broken vacuum tubes, used condoms, bits of crayola marker, assorted kitchen garbage, the shadow banking system -- these would form his vital organs. Yet, he felt that

his double was missing something. A soul? He got a James Brown CD and glued it to the empty tuna can heart. Job done, he quickly attached electrodes, flipped the switch & the mon

ster twitched to life and got up offa that thang, singing, "Everybody wanna get funky one mo time!" proving once again that you can't tuna heart without a little soul.