The next time Smiley Gyrus appeared on TV,

The next time Smiley Gyrus appeared on TV, Dad shot the television, just as he said he would. "I will not have that smut broadcast into our home. Son, your internet is conditional:

based on three factors: one, you get me beer from the corner shop when I ask, two, you do not look at that kind of smut in our presence, and three, you praise God as we do." Well,

- "Actually, wait, did I say three factors? Let's make it five. Four is that you clean the toilets every week. Finally, twice a month I shall require a cannoli from Tony's Bakery."

Well, there I draw the line. I'll twerk & defraud for anyone, ask any of my good friends, but as a strict fruitarian I WILL NOT purchase cannoli stuffed with meat sauce."Stuff your

cantaloupe!" I swore, as any courageous fruitarian would. In a rush of honeyed adrenaline, I resolved to return to my criminal roots and trick from some carnivores into eating a

roasted acorn squash with maple syrup and nutmeg. Mm, delicious! Or butternut squash soup with some good crusty French bread smeared with garlic, herbs, and melted butter.

The chef at the pizzeria wanted to outdo their competition, one last time. They had outdone all the other places and ordered organic vegetables from Whole Foods down the street for

the "Vegetable Extravaganza" pizza that they were so very famous for. Now, this pizza wasn't just any old pizza. Oh no. This was a special pizza, because along with the vegetables,

into every life a little bit of rain must fall. Even if it was a rain of liquid methane.