Linda was torn. She'd spotted some all-new

Linda was torn. She'd spotted some all-new 100% organic crack with no high-fructose corn syrup on aisle 12. On one hand, it was crack cocaine. But on the other hand, it seemed

to be the answer to the dilemma thats been nagging on the edge of her brain now for almost a week! Maybe just a little sniff, she told herself, then I wouldn't be so ready to

scratch her sticker. It was a scratch and sniff sticker of a giant tire that smelled like burning rubber. It was gross and she loved it. But she'd almost scratched away the whole

tread and now it looked like a flaccid whale foreskin. Not that she thought that, but he did. He allowed himself to free associate some more. Whale blubber... Sperm whale...

Dorks... His thoughts about whales seemed to go on for a great many miles out to sea when he encountered the hunters. His whalophilia would defend the whales no matter the cost!

As it turned out, it would cost him plenty to defend the whales: a burned grilled cheese sandwich, 56 oz. of Hershey Kisses, 13 plastic Easter eggs, Marty Feldman's eyes, a box of

a dozen -- twenty pound -- gold bars, and a lock of Ole' Megguie's hair. "I'm willing to give everything to defend these damn whales, but not Ole Megguie. No. I'd rather be bait."

Meggui, oh Meggui. What a woman; her piercing blue gaze had me entangled in her web from the very start. I may as well already be bait to these whales, these whales I must save.

Meggui's Save the Whales Presentation turned my life around. Some may call it brainwashing, but I call it a lifestyle change; I sold my motorcycle and used the money to

translate the Bible into a series of waterproof orca audiobooks. "Thou shalt not kill" was met with a collective whale chuckle. Upon being swallowed, I, unlike Jonah, was digested.