The sheets were wet under him. He couldn't

  • The sheets were wet under him. He couldn't open his eyes or move. He was in his ex-wife's bed. He knew because the air smelled like her vanilla perfume. Then he heard her laugh.

  • "Did we..." "Yes," she said. "How was I?" he asked. She handed him her pleasure map. "You missed all the X's, but it was good for me, 'Long John'." His ex was into pirate role play

  • ing. She said things like "Bra's aloft, All hands on deck! Take me abaft the beam!" When he'd put a hole in the waterbed with his hook his Ex had yelled "Baller to the Bilge!"

  • , which seemed sexier than it really was. She was all talk, and kept jabbering even as they were swept into the hallway by the exploding waterbed. That was the nail in the coffin.

  • Several apartment neighbor's doors burst open to see their half-naked bodies sopping wet in the hallway. He yelled "You're just a tease! And to think, I bought you the lobster!"

  • But that was Donald's way of being charming. His hair flap frowned from embarrassment. The half-naked bodies sopping wet

  • in bloodless bile were rank corpses within the abandoned YMCA pool that Donald barred Daisy's entrance from. "Let's go on a date," he said, deflecting her peek through the doorway.

  • Daisy walked away and Donald caught up with her. He repeated his suggestion in sign language with the few signs he knew. Then she slapped him across the face. He was left wondering

  • if maybe no pants and sailor suit was limiting his A-game with the ladies. Maybe he could get some pointers from his Uncle who taking a daily swim in his loot.

  • "Wax your chest, get a tan and wear black Speedos," his uncle advised, as he floated by on his inflatable duck. This, my friends, is the true unauthorized story of Julio Iglesias.



  1. PurpleProf May 05 2013 @ 18:40

    Totally missed Chaz' reference to Uncle Scrooge McDuck. Inflatable duck reference was completely by accident.

  2. Zetawilk May 05 2013 @ 18:41

    I'm wondering if Daisy saw the corpses, and that's why she slapped him.

  3. StoryFascist May 06 2013 @ 01:38

    In my opinion the slap was earned because of offensive sign language. Donald was wondering what he had actually "said" to her.

  4. SlimWhitman May 20 2013 @ 16:09

    Well, isn't it pretty gruesome for Uncle Scrooge to use inflatable ducks? That would count as a corpse in this context, wouldn't it?

  5. PurpleProf May 20 2013 @ 16:13

    Well maybe, but then again there are people who use inflatable dolls, right? Of course, I wouldn't know that for sure...

  6. SlimWhitman May 20 2013 @ 16:28

    Ahh... but inflatable ducks. That you do know about?

  7. PurpleProf May 20 2013 @ 23:00

    Why yes! Yes, I do Mr. Slim Whitman! Inflatables make me happy and keep me young. Apparently people in Hong Kong feel the same way. http://www.nydailynews.com/news/world/giant-rubber-duck-brings-floating-joy-hong-kong-article-1.1333096

  8. PurpleProf May 21 2013 @ 08:51

    Related to the new inflatable story going on right now... ( http://foldingstory.com/wkiod/ ) http://www.kztv10.com/videos/inflatable-man-run-over/ - uh-huh...heading to the beach, see??

Want to leave a comment?

Sign up!