So naturally, I installed a big gong in the

So naturally, I installed a big gong in the living room, complete with suspended log.

to carve the lamb shank. But as I sliced through the greyish-brown meat, it dawned on me. Those two were practicing judo! Aunt Sue had warned me against any judo in the nursery

which I took as permission to train with Chrysylla, the prize-fighting orchid in Uncle Nigel's hothouse. When I entered the dim hothouse from the grey and chilly day, I

was assaulted by a mutated Dracula exasperata its pointy sepals lunging menacingly. I disposed of it with a garden trowel. Somewhere in Uncle Nigel's hothouse toxic Chryslla lurked

the two white-eyed fungus twins of decay, Bathsemine and Hubert. Though blind, they could tell who was passing through the hothouse, and would shudder with apprehension. I was in

the beginning phase of a much needed sitz bath, and had no desire to deal with neither Bathsemine nor Hubert, let alone both of them at once; still, I suppose the fungus twins

could be fun for the length of a hot bath, so I let them join me. When an uninvited CarrotTop joined us, I was convinced by the fungus twins to let him stay. I should have known be

tter than to invite plants to share a bath with me. Within ten minutes they'd soaked all the rose-scented water from the tub, leaving me cold and naked on the wet porcelain.

The catcalls and whistling from the plants energized me, and when one imitated a stripper drumbeat of “BUMP-bump-a-BUMP-bump-a-bump-bump---BUMP!” I stood up unashamedly and danced.