Salt Lake City, the city that knows no sleep.

Salt Lake City, the city that knows no sleep. Where coffee and aspirin are the drug of choice and where you can't swing a dead cat without hitting a Mormon. This was my beat.

were not. Yes the naked veiled woman looked really out of place in Provo, so I tried not to stare. This was always a mistake, since that only made me more drawn to her. That's when

I thought 'Aw fudge it' and went up to her and said "Hi, my name's Al. You have a very nice smile. Can I buy you a drink?" Then I realized that the ONLY thing covered was her smile

less face. It was stern and dowdy and covered in a blue hood. She was naked everywhere else. She had a red cobra tattooed right above her pubic hair. My first thought was

red herring, but this snake smelled different. I hissed at Lil' Bo Peep, "No hoodies in fairytales!" It was a gang sign. No bad influences were tolerated on our impressionable yout

h. For them it was bad enough living in a fairy tale and hating it. But they had to post propaganda everywhere. Like that one with the panda that I don't even want to talk about...

it was a very savvy business move, inasmuch as panda propaganda posters could be printed on the cheap. But this did not release them from the fairy-tale life that they despised

. Alas, they were still perfect in the eyes of the world who could only see things in black-and-white. They finally put their escape plan into action, running off to Finland, where

the fish (and marine mammals) had already taken over. "We're not bigoted against asylum seekers," the prime finister said, "But you have to wear these fins while you're here."