"This here with the holes, kinda neutral

  • "This here with the holes, kinda neutral tasting is Swiss, & this stinky moldy soft cheese is French - what else?, & the biggest cheese of all, well that's Texan with a captial T"

  • said Jim to the church priest. The priest gave Jim a confused look and then said "Holy Jesus not holey cheeses. What are we going to do with all this cheese?" Jim picked up a

  • -n anti-aging "pearl cream" jar and said, "Father, it ain't cheese, it's cream, and it's time to reverse that aged gouda you call a face." Jim needed the Priest to look young

  • so he carved off a thin layer of Gouda with his razor-sharp cheese knife and smeared it onto the Priest's skin. "There...What do you think?" The priest was impressed.

  • Early 2013, Jake was still bagging at Hell Foods. Satan wanted him to participate in the team member roasting that took place. Some four years later, Jake was laid off. Jake went

  • to Hell Foods every few weeks, even long after his termination. He could never look Satan in the eyes, though, especially as he counted up his food stamps in front of him. Jake was

  • pathetic. Finally Satan said to him, "Look Jake. I'm fine with selling you cigarettes and Slim Jims every week, but I'm beginning to think you're not really happy here." Jake was

  • taken aback. He didn't know that his feigned enthusiasm had been so easy to see through. "You're right," he admitted, " It's just not the same without Wi-Fi."

  • "Staying in an abandoned cabin for 12 months without internet and Wi-Fi... even if I'd gain a million dollars, I'd sooner go mad than accomplish that," he sighed, looking pained.

  • "VERY WELL," said the voice from a hitherto hidden speaker behind a potted plant. "YOU ARE HEREBY RELEASED FROM THE GAME." A trap door opened, and he was gone without ceremony.



  1. Woab Dec 02 2016 @ 18:05

    Wow! So Jake was released from Hell for being frank with Satan.

  2. SlimWhitman Dec 02 2016 @ 18:08

    Maybe Satan was just waiting for someone to be Frank with him.

  3. Woab Dec 02 2016 @ 18:17

    Zappa? Sinatra? Oscar Myer?

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