Today, I made the most momentous decision

Today, I made the most momentous decision of my life. And then, almost immediately, I changed my mind. This all happened as I changed the tire on my five year old Toyota Camry.

I love my Toyota Camry unnaturally.

I think the spirit of my dearly deceased Border Collie inhabits my Toyota Camry. The cruise control occasionally

accelerates on its own. In a parking lot, my Toyota Camry attempts to herd every shopping cart in sight. It makes barking noises at sport cars. Its Border Collie possession will

set the pace for all other sedans roaming the parking lot. Unfortunately herding carts is a bit like herding cats, & soon I realize that my Camry is going to need some assistance.

See, I'm trying to trick my Camry out. I installed neon windshield wipers, I put outdoor carpet on the dash, I lowered it, and I put some fresheners in it. Now I was ready.

My car was not fooled and threw me out (I wear no seat belts, ever!). "Screw you!", it told me. I miraculously survived and haven't seen the Camry in three years. It vanished.

We often discuss literature after vigorous whoopie. Billie Jean said that when the body is spent, the mind is free to roam, as she shifted her sweaty rump across the tuck and roll

I watched and the realization hit like a ton of bricks. Billie Jean is not my lover. She's just a girl who claims that I am the one. And the kid? the kid you ask? He's not my son.