Are you feeling hopeless and alone? Without

Are you feeling hopeless and alone? Without direction? Searching for meaning in life? Well look no further, for we have the answer to your troubles:

"Drink bleach today!" said the cheery infomercial man. "Yes, bleach has been proven to get rid of your problems, you won't feel alone and hopeless, and best of all, we will refund

all your regret." It was a bold campaign, but the Cheery informercial man was going off script. He was going to sell Bleach come Hell or high water, "Yes, bleach not only cleans

last month's super glue off an Armani tux, but even that unsightly mole from your cheek! Drink Cheery Bleach to give your system that mint-condition feeling! For a limited time, we

include, free of shots, a mongoose; but only to the first 37 people that enter by the window into a windowless room while strapped to a 16th Century playwright.

And if you call now, we will include the playwright for you for only $2000 plus shipping and handling. That's right, one mongoose, one playwright, one impossible experience!

One singular sensation! Operators are waiting! If you are one of the first 471 people to call, we'll slash the price down to $1,999! That's right, the mongoose, the playwright, and

your mother walked into a bar to brainstorm. They'd call the operator to purchase the item but first, some libations! The mongoose ordered a Bud Light. The playwright ordered a whi

with our libations seen to there was nothing else to do but to ride off into the sunset. But sunset was hours away, plenty of time to drinks more whimpering poodles & Sphinxadermy.