I got a call from some shady government agency

I got a call from some shady government agency yesterday, offering me the chance to get involved in some experimental genetic procedures they were testing. I didn't realize that

this wasn't going to turn me into a mutant secret government agent superhero, so I signed write up.The next morning I reported at a government research hospital.The genetic changes

happened so fast once they tied me down and stabbed their needles into my flesh. I gasped as my body transformed. They had turned me into a man, a soldier. It was an alien feeling.

The reaction in me was excruciating. An alien feeling...but what I realized was the sudden single horn that sprouted on my forehead. Rainbow tears fell onto my arm. I-I-I am a-

A narwhal! I can swim freely. I can be friends with dolphins and sea urchins. Oh wait, I think I am a horse. Horses don't have horns! I am not a horse of course, but a unicorn! YES

dreamed of being a famed, mystical creature? Once I heard the figure on the rainbow floaty say the word "Narwal" I knew the truth. La-de-da! Mr. Beluga and Det. Manatee joined me

in my investigation. "So you're saying narwhal are real," confirmed Det. Manatee. "Yes, sea-dwelling mammals with a single horn have been sighted on the east perimeter," I explaine

d to the skeptical detective. I was on thin ice, cuz Manatee had gone so far as to divorce a wife for having claimed to see an underwater unicorn. Manatee had dropped out of school

At age 18 and was smarter by far than anyone I knew - even Dr. Sjjgddfgnk who went to Harvard with Timothy Leary. (And he gave up psychiatry for lack of state sponsorships!)