This Christmas, I asked myself a very important

This Christmas, I asked myself a very important question: "Has anything about me changed? Why do I still hate the world? And where's the turkey?" But this time, it'll be different.

I will eat Cornish hens instead,my cats sitting next to me at the dinner table. They don't need forks and knives. Less cleanup on my part.

Plus, with Uncle Lenny's colostomy bag right there next to me, I could deposit any other collected meal detritus directly into there, thus saving the typical hassles affiliated

with the bank deposit bags I had ben using, which tended to seep. I put the bag in my bicycle basket and pedaled down the road, followed closely by a flock of crows who kept

crowing and following me. All of a sudden I saw a huge rock in the road. I tried to avoid it but it was inevitable. BAM! I landed right on my face and slid for at least 3 feet. I

issing the $600 dollars I had placed in it. Without my money, I had no way of returning home. Not that money would have helped, considering I appeared to be in an entirely differen

t world. I shivered when I realised what had happened. This happened in the movies - the hero would help an unassuming person, and then they would be thrown into another dimension!

Since I already knew the ending I quickly ran into my apartment, grabbed a lawn chair and a six pack of beer. I settled down in my front lawn and watch as the hero began to help.

I had never seen someone squeeze toothpaste from a bottle so effortlessly, but the Hero did it, saving Dona's mourning routine three seconds. There WAS still good in this world.