Beloved actor Charlie Sheen died today aged

Beloved actor Charlie Sheen died today aged 45. Following an incident involving

an entire kilo of methamphetamine, twelve angry buffalo, and a stockpile of military grade explosives, Mr. Sheen found himself in the Mesosphere. He died soon after when

people stopped paying attention and he vanished in a puff of meth. But legends say Sheen remains in the sky with his twelve buffalo, meth and explosives, as the star constellation

known as Trainwreck. On a moonless prairie night, if you catch the Earth's tilt just right, and maybe squint just a little, you can almost make out the

shape of a giant phallus in the sky. Jessica knew this was a good sign. Tonight would be the night that they finally

opened that genital-themed discotheque she'd always wanted. He handed Jessica the finished paperwork as dawn broke. But, on the way to the county registrar,

a group of rival cannibalistic disk jockeys ambushed her! She used her record scratching skills to burn the nipple off the nearest attacker, but the fight

went out of her as a Pygmy with a bandanna filled the airwaves with a particularly painful Celine Dion ballad. She was surely doomed in the jungle until suddenly,

Tarzan appeared, dangling from a creeper far above her head. "Pull me up," she cried, "before the pygmy reaches the chorus!" Tarzan swung down and grabbed her, and took her to

his posh split-level pent house made of bamboo and palm fronds. Cheetah tickled the ivories as Tarzan offered her a shaken pina-colada. "Me, Tarzan, you, interested?" She smiled.