I have a theory that three-year olds have

I have a theory that three-year olds have a faster time frame of reference. In the two minutes it has taken for me to get her a glass of water,

my 3 year old dog has knocked over its food bowl and stolen my sandwich from the kitchen bench. My 8 year old dog just just spends the entire time snoozing in his basket without

doing anything productive except occasionally farting. My 12 year old gerbil, however, is the funniest of them all. Yes, he's slow and getting quite senile, and has to wear

a Hannibal Lecter mask because he'll eat his own babies. I call the old gerbil "Warhammer." He really good at

intimidating census takers. One such taker had his neck vein chomped through by Warhammer. They don't make gerbils like they used to because they didn't used to have steroids or

advanced gene splicing techniques. Still, my Warhammer was unique amongst combat gerbils, even if smallish at 4' at the shoulder and 228 lbs. None of the others had the ability to

Grab a meat cleaver and accurately hold it so they could treat it as the greatest thing since Maxwell's infamous silver hammer. Three years later, my Warhammer was number one.

Last night Maxwell's silver hammer accidentally hammered his true intentions into Maxwell's cranium. Maxwell was unable to respond. My Warhammer, however, was now number one & was

now bronzed and enshrined in the Shrine of Our Immaculate Warhammer on East 41st Street. The Little Sisters of Violence took great pains to polish the weapon every day and