Hortincula Meares was about as steady on

  • Hortincula Meares was about as steady on her four-inch heels as a cyclops in a china shop, and the brick paving underfoot seemed the culprit; but Hortincula was gourd-empty stoned.

  • She had always felt less of a woman for not being able to walk in high heels.Hortincula Meares...she also felt bad about her stupid name.And being over weight didn't help much with

  • her self esteem either. She pretty much had to live life like a man, as all the advantages of being a woman fell squarely to the attractive. So she really started manning it up,

  • Glambert style, with plenty of black smokey eyeliner and mascara, sparkly bits, and trousers two sizes too small. A folded pair of socks in a strategic position completed her look.

  • And then Kim Kardashian was ready to launch the fattest

  • spliff you've ever seen. It had this sweet crutch on it so that even tho it was the size of a burrito dos manos, the precious herb inside still wouldn't spill out or get bound up

  • "This is better than the Toffee Coffee my buddy Garrison invented down at the café!" Ok, so I didn't have a good frame of reference for the perfect giant joint in front of me

  • but even Keats's vocab would flounder in the company of such a perfect knee. The way it joined such a beefy thigh with that giant leg was beyond me. And no arthritis to speak of!

  • I placed a gauze filter, checked my meter-readings, and snapped the photo. It was the feature cover for "Knee Connoisseur" available at all disreputable newsstands everywhere.

  • We sat on his knee gazing at his old scrapbook & listened in reverence to his stories. When I grew up I knew I wanted to become a famous photographer like Great Grandpapa Razzi.



  1. 49erFaithful Feb 07 2012 @ 18:08

    Huh. So that's where the term Paparazzi comes from. Learn something new everyday!

  2. SlimWhitman Feb 07 2012 @ 18:19

    Yes, It took me hours of fascinating research about Flapper Fashion, the Ziegfield Follies and Bee Jackson to discover this important piece of trivia. ;-)

  3. m80 Feb 07 2012 @ 19:20

    Grandpa Razzi--good one! Maybe can become a recurring character and show up in stories with other recurring characters/themes, like Detective Manatee (60), zombies (53), death (159), pie (359), hell (320), Spam Baby (6) or beans (30), just to mention a few.

  4. SlimWhitman Feb 08 2012 @ 05:22

    It was hard to believe there are more Manatee folds than zombie folds so I did a bit of 'research'... Manatee (the good detective) is mentioned in 55 folds. There are only 5 mentions of Manatee that have nothing to do with the P.I.! It would be interesting to know how many STORIES he appears in. 'zombies' may occurs in 53, but 'zombie' occurs in 130! 'research' itself occurs in only 20 folds.

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