The widow glanced at her watch and waited

The widow glanced at her watch and waited impatiently for the will to be read. It was almost sundown and if he was going to ruin it by showing up as a vampire, this would be his

only chance to do so. Chance was something Fred showed little interest in before.

But now their magic Mormon underwear started tingling, which could only mean one thing for Fred and his companion:

That the angel Moroni was living in Fred's urethra. He was the messiah. Unfortunately this revelation came to him at the Flying J between Phoenix and San Diego. He ran to the

last hydrant he could find and tried hard to liberate the messiah. This proving untenable, he succumbed to the worst depression ever, exclaiming "why hast thou forsaken me, potato"

and then a whole bunch of other ghostly tubers and vegetables followed : "YOU HAVE FORSAKEN HIM! YOU HAVE FORSAKEN HIM!" The first ghostly potato lunged towards him and

plunged into his vegan soul. He realized from the veggie apparations that cows loved to be eaten and that lettuce suffers pain when uprooted. "Salad is Murder!" he screamed.

"The Vegan Majority" revoked his membership and ejected him from the meeting. After some soul-searching, he joined a "Crones Disease self-help group. He was preaching to the choir

when he realized that he couldn't help himself with his auto-immune disorder, and the affected area would be inflamed probably forever. Instead he sought medical help. End.