"Just this once, I promise to tell the truth,

"Just this once, I promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth." The needle remained stable. "It was in the Winter of 1972 . I just had to get out, so I

stepped out on the back porch. It was 40 degrees F, but that was shorts and t-shirt weather up there." The lie-detector needle thrashed about. "OK, Winter of 1972. I escaped

Aunt Lisa's house just in time. I heard her raspy voice calling for me to come to bed. I was tired of all the sexual pleasure, I just wanted to get away.

But she insisted I wear the shoes. Oh, those cursed shoes. I had to wear them every time she had me upstairs to "loose the caboose," and they'd grown sticky and smelly. Even worse,

they were SKECHERS! Apparently, she insisted I wear these putrid shoes because they would tone my thighs without me having to work out. But they were clunky which is why I fell

off my horse in public. It was embarrassing not to mention my unmentionables were now visible and everyone was mentioning them. My horse

, sensing my unease, gallantly positioned himself between me and those who would mock my undergarments. He was a good horse. I leapt upon him and charged out of town, my tears

The mailbox before fleeing in my neon yellow Vibe, which got me arrested just three hours later. The dumbest thing I ever did, and I did two years in jail.

The second dumbest thing I did was share what kind of car it was. The other inmates made fun of it of course, said it looked like a bumblebee on steroids. I told them to buzz off.