Jim Kirk eased his bruised body onto the

Jim Kirk eased his bruised body onto the narrow, spartan bed in his quarters. What he wouldn't give for an Arcturian beanbagbed. Or even a box spring and mattress from Iowa. Lovers

had snuck into his vacay teepee and lovemade his mattress's springs into submission. Jim Kirk signed for a bunk bed-shaped package from a Mr. "King Zeta Reticulan." Seemed legit.

Kirk forgot about the package after a night of Rigellian tentacle dancing, returned to his tent flopping onto the bed. The lid of the box opened. The Alien-Barney Hill Homunculus

slid one slender alien limb out of the box to caress Kirk's arm. Kirk jumped a foot out of bed - "Great Scott! What was that?" Uhura then sat up lazily and said, "It wasn't me."

"Cap'n, I'm receiving alien interference," gasped Uhuru, groping her sparkplug. "I'll get dressed then,"said Capt Kirk jumping up. "But first I'll finish the Alien in a Box takeout

that I stole from Sulu." Kirk sat back in the barcalounger and opened the carton. "Yiuh," he objected, scrunching his nose. "I don't remember it smelling like this. Oh well." He

was such an ass," thought Mr. Spock, objectively because we wasn't emotional. Captain Kirk started saying, "Forward Ho!" hoping this new command would catch on in space.

The whole crew and the Klingon speakers soon learned to say, "Forward, ho!". It sounded like something out of "Lord of the Rings", which Mr. Spock had read six times. Captain Kirk

the most money they had made since the last movie they were in. The Klingons bought a home in Malibu, and the Enterprise crew bought a small island near Portugal. Earth rules.