"Reverse polarity, Reverse polarity" the

"Reverse polarity, Reverse polarity" the metallic voice shouted. "Shut up" if you've got enough power to tell me the battery's are in backwards why don't you light the damn flash.

Ever since HAL had been extracted from the ship and demoted to portable appliances, his once sinister mien had just turned into general assholeness. Nonetheless, I was

a bit taken aback when I tried to heat up a pizza in the microwave and heard "Dave, I'm afraid I can't do that". I asked "What's the problem?" and the microwave replied, "I think

you know what the problem is just as well as I do." I replied, "What are you talking about, Microwave?" "This mission is too important for me to allow you to jeopardize it."

The "Mission" was always how Ms. Oprah referred to hot pockets. She had a mission with broccoli and cheese. She had a mission with a supreme pizza pocket. Her lips were chapped

looked like, some kind of idiot? Like I'm supposed to believe Oprah personally approved this Chinese hot pocket. The friggin nerve of this dame! So I took the hot pocket and I

put it on an envelope.Then,I wrote "OPRAH" on the front.The mail knows her.Evrybody knows her.And everybody loves a chinese hot pocket,right?Let's see how much she will like it on

her show. It was only a month later I realized she had retired from daytime. The envelope was returned to me with a hideous green mold on the edges. Upon opening, the hotpocket had

been reanimated as a zombiepocket with an insatiable desire for hotpocket flesh. To this day, it still terrorizes freezer aisles, dorm rooms, and trailer parks worldwide.