Vanessa Conquest glared around the table

Vanessa Conquest glared around the table at her useless executives. "How dare you simper about the economy! Historically, ConCorp has always profited even in bad times. Now show me

your knuckles on the edge of the table, stat. Svelte Vanessa Conquest, CEO, dominatrix, began humiliating her executives with a ruler, a feather duster, and a ball gag for the

handicapped. But it was Vanessa who wanted to be dominated. She had to make her money humiliating others but she desperately wanted someone to humiliate her.

Handicapped and contradictory, the perfect combination. Vanessa was strong but fragile. She loved bland Mexican food and spicy cupcakes. Her mother denies teaching her to

contort -- a dubious assertion. Now that Vanessa was tied into a permanent pretzel, she needed protection from men of bad faith and poor hygiene. But would she abscond with me?

I hastily salted Vanessa in order to add to her disguise, but she drew the line at the chipotle dipping sauce. I assured her that faithless, unhygienic men would not eat pretzels,

and directed her to my 17 years of peer-reviewed published literature on the subject. Sure enough, the men ignored Vanessa the pretzel, until a clean shaven preacher approached.

dipped in warm milk was all I could eat for 3 weeks after the preacher kicked me in the face. Lying there in the hospital, I vowed to return & ask for forgiveness. I had sinned.

When I returned and asked for absolution I got nailed to a tree. Now all I ask is when you eat milk and drink cookies you do this in memory of me.