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Vanessa Conquest glared around the table

  • Vanessa Conquest glared around the table at her useless executives. "How dare you simper about the economy! Historically, ConCorp has always profited even in bad times. Now show me

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  • your knuckles on the edge of the table, stat. Svelte Vanessa Conquest, CEO, dominatrix, began humiliating her executives with a ruler, a feather duster, and a ball gag for the

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  • handicapped. But it was Vanessa who wanted to be dominated. She had to make her money humiliating others but she desperately wanted someone to humiliate her.

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  • Handicapped and contradictory, the perfect combination. Vanessa was strong but fragile. She loved bland Mexican food and spicy cupcakes. Her mother denies teaching her to

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  • contort -- a dubious assertion. Now that Vanessa was tied into a permanent pretzel, she needed protection from men of bad faith and poor hygiene. But would she abscond with me?

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  • I hastily salted Vanessa in order to add to her disguise, but she drew the line at the chipotle dipping sauce. I assured her that faithless, unhygienic men would not eat pretzels,

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  • and directed her to my 17 years of peer-reviewed published literature on the subject. Sure enough, the men ignored Vanessa the pretzel, until a clean shaven preacher approached.

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  • The preacher started screaming abusive scripture in my general direction. A swift kick to the face ended that though, and peace was restored to wherever the hell I was. Pretzels

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  • dipped in warm milk was all I could eat for 3 weeks after the preacher kicked me in the face. Lying there in the hospital, I vowed to return & ask for forgiveness. I had sinned.

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  • When I returned and asked for absolution I got nailed to a tree. Now all I ask is when you eat milk and drink cookies you do this in memory of me.

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