It has now been exactly four days since I

It has now been exactly four days since I started my cashew dust and garlic powder diet, and, to be perfectly honest, I feel great because I

have lost a ton of weight from being underhydrated, which is another component to this new lifestyle I am undertaking. Whenever I feel thirsty, I eat more garlic powder

and wash it down with alum. As a result my face looks like a moonscape and I am as lonely as the man in the moon. But I am so slim that I can crawl under doors and scare children.

Which I do nightly. Climb under doors & window sills, looking for candy, crisps or frites anything to make me more roundy, roundy. But the fates have destined me to be thin and

crispy. My hair is brittle, my body is wiry. When people look at me sideways they have to squint to see me. There has to be some way to overcome this fate.

Those golden arches beckoned to me. Calling me with promises of beefy hamburgers and salty french fries. McFlurries flowing freely among the people. I could gain the weight here.

I rushed to the counter, nearly knocking a child over in my desperation. I pulled a $50 from my pocket and slapped it down. But before I could order, the cashier told me, "Sorry we

can't break a $50 like this." Red shot though my eyes. I was desperate to depart that shit-hole of a restaurant. At that moment, anger overcame my better judgement, and in a fit

I aimed a single punch at that idiot. Long story short, that's why I'm stuck here now. I hope the lesson is clear to you.