Wilfred Brimley scowled at the children at

  • Wilfred Brimley scowled at the children at the table. "Eat your Goddam oatmeal!" he spat, spraying bits of Jimmie Dean sausage & scrambled egg across the table into their terrified

  • little faces. Wilfred was in a foul mood,which probably meant his diabeetus was acting up again. "I hate staying at Uncle Wilfred's house" whispered Jane, who ducked when a pancake

  • Came sailing over her head. “Batter up!” Uncle Wilfred shouted as he prepared to send another Jane’s way. “This was going to be a long, long, visit” she thought “If only I had my

  • EZ-Bake Oven, I could turn all this flying batter into tasty treats that the whole family would enjoy!" Sadly, Jane, in her demented state, had forgotten that the domestic toy she

  • was enamored with had long ago been sold by her explorer father to a native tribe deep in the forests of Africa. Rather than cook with it, they had made it their queen.

  • "All hail Queen Whirlpool!" raved the shaman "She consecrated to Chief!" In bedroom, Chief Wala excitedly entered the oven. Nada. He toyed with dials & fell asleep inside. He woke

  • to a shaking angry Queen Whirlpool. "How dare you sleep around with other appliances!" Chief Wala wailed "But her burners made me hot & she really bakes my

  • biscuit. If you know what I mean.", said Princess HotPocket. Sir Red Devil saw the blush on Queen Whirlpool's face and lost all control. He pushed Chief Wala to the side, grabbed

  • the steering wheel, and drove the car up the side of the Convenient Getaway Beam. Chief Wala and Princess HotPocket landed safely and soundly on the carpetlike grass, whereas the q

  • uestion missed it's mark & started a small riot among the answers that was neither here nor there. Chief Wala & Princess HotPocket boarded the Next Story Express & waved goodbye.



  1. Scribbly Feb 23 2018 @ 20:03

    "diabeetus" Nice touch.

  2. Woab Feb 24 2018 @ 11:59

    I know. PurpleProf just cracks me up!

  3. PurpleProf Feb 24 2018 @ 19:06

    Well, thanks, y'all! Wilfred Brimley IS the face of diabeetus.

  4. jayursus Feb 25 2018 @ 16:13

    That, and a shape-shifting alien trying to escape Antarctica.... I think they are connected somehow

  5. Woab Feb 27 2018 @ 11:42

    I still think this one is hilarious and deserves more likes.

  6. Woab Feb 28 2018 @ 13:43

    Jayursus' first line cracks me up, and it just keeps going from there.

  7. jayursus Jul 30 2018 @ 10:09

    My fold directly comes from those Quaker Oats commercials of the 80s with Wilfred Brimley in them. I always thought he had some sort of simmering rage building up over the kids not eating enough oatmeal. PurpleProf caught that perfectly. Hilariously, I had never seen the "Diabeetus" ads he was famous for until recently. I would pay good money for some sort of mashup between the Quaker Oats commercials, Blaire from "The Thing" and his "diabeetus" ads.

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