Finished Folds (2281—2300)
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0like it or not. "Okay, okay- sheesh!" said Jonathan, "I'll get you a bowl of cereal. That's all I know how to make." But that wasn't good enough for his brother. "Get me a
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5the door, causing a concussion. Darkness came over the music exec like a swift fog and suddenly he thought he saw Liza Minelli's head speaking to him from a pizza box. "Help me,"
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3hung out at Chilbot's Corner Bar every night trying to mooch free drinks out of Manatee. "You know I love ya," he said to Fowzilla and her sisters, "but booze costs money and you
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2the Twinkie from his cold, dead hands. A heart attack had taken Lance, just like that. I ate the Twinkie and wept as I drove him to the morgue in the squad car. "He was a hell of a
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5meal breaks instead of eating, and wasted away to 78 pounds. She would never notice him, now. He was too small. One day in the college swimming pool she mistook him for a piece of
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3"Are you blind?!~" I snarked back at them in the Ebay response box. "Yes, I am," they replied, "it happened during the last solar eclipse," they typed. I felt awful. It was only
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5in order to make filthy lucre by exploiting their very groundhoggishness. "It's an outrage," the space groundhogs hollered as they led a protest in front of the Hallmark building.
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2"I am an enigma," purred the Satanic Cow as she cleaned between her huge claws with her tongue. The other cows had the eerie feeling that she was not to be trusted, but they
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5-ater students everywhere who had been misunderstood. The monster knew their pain. He had tried out for the school play every year and never got the lead. This year the play was
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3through my pockets looking for candy and loose change. That was the last straw. Bruised and beaten, I stormed up to Miss Heather's preschool and demanded to see the principal.
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6-n tapped their curly-toed shoes impatiently, waiting if they would ever get a table at Denny's. It looked as if all the seats had been filled by zombies. "Well Aladdin," said Sinb
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4Or was it the P ring seals? He forgot. He stood there quite a while trying to work out whether or not the seals were for oxygen or for pee, and if the seals could snout-juggle.
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8into a 1965 Plymouth Barracuda. "Vroom, vroom," said Arthur as he drove into the water and crushed the fish. Then he turned to Merlin and honked his horn. Merlin could not
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4Again I opened the door. "Look," I said to him, "We don't want any religion. We're heathens. Religion is against our religion. So beat it!" and I slammed the door in his face.
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6stranded on a faraway dry planet with some maroon named Mulligan. The starlet would hitch a ride with Rosebud back to Mars. She would be grateful to him and his trusty red scooter
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6adored Cheetos, but now you wouldn't be caught dead with their sticky orange residue on your fingers. Now you eat cinnamon hearts and wonder where yours went. Once you relished
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3-ic temperament was being severely challenged by this philistine. "Can I call you 'Phil'?," Angel asked him nonchalantly as she made a quick sketch of him hanging by his
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5He felt sure that their psilocybin content would convince people to have sex on his blanket, but instead they just giggled and reported seeing Hindu gods playing flutes in the
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2sister Regina!" finished the leprechaun triumphantly, even though he wasn't the least bit sure he'd done it correctly. Hearing this, the ninja gagged and dove out the window.
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5dingos in her rectum, she got through the trial until the judge said "until dingos come flying out of your arse," and then she let them loose. They ate the jury, but her case was