Finished Folds (1261—1280)
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2the priest called funky sanitizers ToeJam & Earl to the ceremony. They groomed the groom, brined the bride, and collected the toe cheese in a hazardous waste bin. The funk had been
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2B#, played on loop. But why would Lily want him to be-sharp? Just then, he noticed that the bed was encased in a large bubble. He grabbed the turntable's needle arm and
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3. The number 10,000,000. The London Mathematical Society had been selling numbers to pay off their debts to The Metrics. Their lack of faith in kilograms had cost the Society many
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6Port-O-Let. But there was no light in there! When his shadow entered, he became a sentient chalk outline on the asphalt. "Now's my chance to escape," he said, sliding onto the road
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7"Oh he dead all right," said Fred. "Apparently the pain of his sexiness was too much too bare. But he's in a better place now." As it turns out, that 'better place' was
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1Mark returned fire with a spoon, knocking our tuxedoed hero on his back. How could he get that promotion with a torn-apart tux? "Sorry Johnny, I didn't know it was you," said
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2"Avalanche!" I yelled in a moment of self-fulfilling prophecy panic (as if yelling, "Fire!" in a crowded theatre in itself burned the place down). The Everest snow enveloped me and
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9"But if you stop, then kids will have to learn that actions speak louder than words," said Wilbur. So he stood in the barn's doorway, alone, just "some pig" facing his doom. Mr. Zu
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5Buff Spelunker trudged into the depths. The stalagmites parted, and the stalactites retracted into the ceiling, lest they be crumbled by a brush of his shoulders. An ancient para
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3, who argued that dieting was thus existentially nihilistic. "Pigs are to be worshipped, then sacrificed for breakfast sandwiches to instill meaning" (Gospel of Jimmy Dean 2:1-7).
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8by my cat's unwillingness to fight back. "Mr. Puss 'N' Fluff, how could you?" I asked. "After I dropped 3 grand on kitty karate lessons, this is how you repay me?" The woman gnawed
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5way to teach the dangers of phoenixhood. "But I still want to be a phoenix," said Billy. "She'll rise from the ashes, right?" The teacher replied, "Sometimes." The pile of lady ash
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2potentially cast as Wilbur in "Spud's Webb," the FDA adaptation of "Charlotte's Web". Spud will be played by the Ribeye of Horace, Seer of the Unpotatoed. Templeton will be less
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9Eventually. There was no timetable for certain death, but the makers of Alien Hand Syndrome drugs found that existential crises on packaging lead to greater sales. The drooling was
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3hell is that a mangled bone? "Bad dog! I wanna donate my skeleton to the Smithsonian when I die." I'd doomed him to delinquency when I nicknamed him Bitey McPunctureWound, but this
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4we must suspend No Consequences 4 Actions Day for the foreseeable future," said the mayor. "But, Talk Like a Pirate Day will proceed as planned." Protestors with signs that read
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5if The Rock stays in the river, what do we so about HHH, The Cerebral Assassin? We need our brains." Zen Zombie replied, "From the bamboo, learn of the bamboo." So they found HHH
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4which was to turn the crowd against me with backhanded compliments: "The ratio of your taste in backflips to your intelligence level is higher than most." My words bounced off the
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6my soul began to whine. "Vanilla, oh the banality, make it stop," it/I said. It/I slowly died, and then I stepped on the scale. "Aha! 21 grams lighter, just like the legend says."
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1Especially since they were toting Scott Stapp as they ascended. Taking him higher wasn't all he'd cracked it up to be. They dropped the deadweight until their heads bumped into the