Finished Folds (2321—2340)
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4The Aquafina spilled everywhere. "Oh no!" I shrieked. I grabbed some paper towels and cleaned up the mess. OCD sure is a great way to take one's mind off things... like Linda.
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1, which is disgusting. I hate mayonnaise. As I looked around for something to take my mind off the Condiment-That-Shall-Not-Be-Named, I was attacked by an army of toads with little
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1tax auditors. You know, those guys Patrick Cox talks about? Anyway, I rode so hard that my tire went flat. On the side of the road I was approached by a leprous mountain goat.
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1was cool and all, but I just wanted to find my toupee. I couldn't let Trish see me without it! Thinking I had left it in the attic, I ascended the creaky steps. I was greeted by
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3So I twisted my titties. Spurned by the sharp pain, I jumped up, only to have the top half of my brain chopped off by my Edward Scissorhands novelty ceiling fan. Unfazed, I
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4Unfortunately, my weak stomach minded. I threw up a rainbow river of Sour Patch Kids all over Alice's receding hairline. Realizing that chivalry was a lost cause, I reached for
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0shit. Luckily, it was unicorn shit, which was laced with lollipops and daisies. I ate my way out and joined Naywhal, my unicorn friend from grad school, at the blackjack table.
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2my penis. "Not now," she said. I knew better, but had figured it was worth trying. I zippered up and pulled out a science textbook. It was boring, so I tossed it into the fire.
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7in his Guava Lava smoothie. My pigeon senses were tingling; I was suddenly aware of all those old ladies on park benches with stale Sara Lee. One of them beckoned me, so I flew
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4go pirating, in the spirit of doing something in every sense of the word. I had even cut off my leg in favor of a peg one. I adjusted my eye patch and set my impaired sights on
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2Tracy, who had previous called dibs on the last of the candy, knocked me unconscious. Not that I had my wits about me anyway, having already consumed my weight in peppermints and
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1filled with hookers. They misinterpreted his references to black holes and sucking, which annoyed the physicist within him, but someone had to clean up the mess he had made while
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0blew the woman's brains to bits. She was a bitch. The two men beside her shuddered, but I happily untied them. With their help, I could hunt for Captain Crunch's treasure.
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5jumped off a cliff with them. Luckily, Stacy removed the Oxycotin and cigarettes from my pocket, so as not to let them go to waste. Not-so-luckily, the combination proved fatal.
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5had installed in their living room, they swung at the windows. But with their strength so depleted, the windows would not budge. They would have to give up on crap-beating and
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3My spelling was getting worse! Of course I didn't "though," I "thought"! "What the hell is happening to me?" I wondered as my unicorn landed atop a palm tree in Venezuela.
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3He had said that he wanted his body to be donated to science; I had decided that taxidermy was a science. Now I could stare at Tim's blond locks without it being awkward. Perfect!
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2followed by actual shit. "We must make a sacrifice to the gods!" yelled Popuasquatie, the bespectacled Chieftan. His eyes, and those of his fellow tribesmen, turned to Ralph.
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3"That's awful," said Mr. Slant, my poetry teacher. I tore up the paper and walked out, giving up on poetry forever. I then pursued my dream of being an interpretive stenographer.
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1Luckily, is was one of those stupid box traps with a stick. I threw off the box and tracked the scent to a Honeycombs Cereal factory. The honey was artificial, but I was happy.